25 January 2023

posted in:

Life is complex, and people are messy

In April of this year I will be spending just under $2k in order for my partner and I to fly down to Texas, so that we may spend two-and-a-half days outside of a city I’m ambivalent about, in order to spend time with an 81 year-old man who still calls me “champ.”

I haven’t seen my father in years, most of this owing to the pandemic. A lot has happened during this time; not just my turning 50 and he not being able to visit, nor his turning 80 and my likewise inability to do the same. My family has a lot of secrets, and not a little drama, and much of it came to a head nearly three years ago when (takes deep breath) I received a phone message informing me that my murdered uncle’s stolen guitar was uncovered and sitting in a recording studio in New Jersey.

Can you guess why I have a sideline as a fiction writer?

In any case, I have been coming back to a phrase I’ve been using in interviews while I’m publicizing a new novel that I have out. That phrase is: “life is complex, and people are messy.” The reason I reach for that phrase is because my book (and much of my writing) is about real (if fictional) people, and if I know anything about real people — both from my personal experiences and from my work as a psychotherapist — it’s that we are not simple (though we may present as such), nor are we drawn with clean lines. We can be contradictory, self-centered, lovable and maddening — sometimes within the same ten minutes.

I’m offering the above not because I want to be the talk of someone’s dinner party, but because I wish to also talk inclusively about myself as much as about some objective idea of “real [that is to say, other] people.” Which is to say, I am one too. I’m also putting this out there because I think sometimes we conveniently two-dimensionalize each other when we are overwhelmed or feeling insecure, convincing ourselves that simple people drawn with clear lines actually do exist. It’s certainly convenient, and certainly understandable when we are under duress. But I think we owe it to ourselves and to society as a whole to see how we are messy, and how (yes) life is complex, if only to develop the capacity for understanding ourselves and each other, with self-compassion and empathy for those around us.