8 February 2024
Welcome to the cloud?
It’s not rare for someone, whether or not they’ve been in therapy before, to feel as if they don’t know where to start. What to talk about first? Do we jump into childhood stuff or unload about the so-called “small stuff” that’s been piling up.
While there are certainly sessions that focus on That One Important Topic, it’s not rare for a client to come in with a cloud of things jockeying for position in their head. There may not be a Thing but rather a collection or a constellation of things — no one piece that, on its own, seems concerning, but a host of things that make for a muddled perspective. Often in this case it can be relieving to lay everything out on the table so that we can see the myriad of moving pieces going on in our life. And, as balls on a pool table, you and I can look at these issues from different angles and see how best to approach them.
It’s a busy world out there and, especially with added stress from exterior things such as social media and frayed relationships, it can be hard to make sense of it all, let alone figure out our priorities. Therapy can help recognize patterns of behaviour and ways in which we might prioritize (or de-prioritize) things that might not be healthy.
If you are interested in learning more about my services, about me, or perhaps booking an appointment, please call me at 416-873-7828 or email me at info@downtowntherapy.ca for more information.
filed under: change• complexity• society
6 November 2023
Intimate Partner Violence
I wish I could tell you that the vast majority of people who seek help through a psychotherapist do so because of the unresolved past; capital-T and small-t traumas from childhood, parental conflicts, opportunities lost or thwarted which keep us up at night. And there are certainly clients who walk into my office who may not know exactly what it is that’s going on, which might very well be a blurry combination of past and present conflicts which require clarity. But there are also those whose problems are right in front of them, every day. And in this category, one of the more serious life situations is one which includes intimate partner violence (IPV).
Intimate partner violence involves being in a relationship — whether or not you’re married, or live together — with someone whose behaviour toward you is abusive. Abuse, in this context, is the removal of power from one person by another. All the time? Not necessarily, no, but the effect is debilitating. This can take psychological and emotional forms (coercion, gaslighting), including financial (secretly changing whose name a bank account is in) but, as the “V” implies, the end result can be physical abuse. And the results can be extreme: feeling trapped in one’s own home, fearing physical injury leading to hospitalization.
The causes which can result in someone perpetrating intimate partner violence are very complicated. This is often a very tricky situation to work through, especially if the couple in question are co-habiting, co-own shared property and/or have children. A closely woven social group can ironically also make things harder. It’s too easy for people unacquainted with IPV to say from the sidelines Why don’t you just leave them? If only it were that simple.
Leaving a relationship with a partner who is abusive can take a long time, and much of that might be preparing for the day (often in secret) when you leave. Working with a therapist, someone in a situation such as this has the opportunity to work through their doubts, the (often) conflicted feelings towards their abusive partner. It can be exhausting and unrewarding work, but it can also provide clarity.
I want what’s best for my clients, however I’m also realistic about the nature of relationships and how people can be entwined in complicated ways. It’s not easy to leave someone you love, even if they routinely hurt you. This sort of work is delicate and requires patience.
Intimate partner violence is real and it is in every community (represented on all socio-economic levels), and it’s terribly difficult on those affected. Therapy is one way someone who is in an abusive relationship can begin to change their situation.
If you are interested in learning more about my services, about me, or perhaps booking an appointment, please call me at 416-873-7828 or email me at info@downtowntherapy.ca for more information.
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