6 November 2023
Intimate Partner Violence
I wish I could tell you that the vast majority of people who seek help through a psychotherapist do so because of the unresolved past; capital-T and small-t traumas from childhood, parental conflicts, opportunities lost or thwarted which keep us up at night. And there are certainly clients who walk into my office who may not know exactly what it is that’s going on, which might very well be a blurry combination of past and present conflicts which require clarity. But there are also those whose problems are right in front of them, every day. And in this category, one of the more serious life situations is one which includes intimate partner violence (IPV).
Intimate partner violence involves being in a relationship — whether or not you’re married, or live together — with someone whose behaviour toward you is abusive. Abuse, in this context, is the removal of power from one person by another. All the time? Not necessarily, no, but the effect is debilitating. This can take psychological and emotional forms (coercion, gaslighting), including financial (secretly changing whose name a bank account is in) but, as the “V” implies, the end result can be physical abuse. And the results can be extreme: feeling trapped in one’s own home, fearing physical injury leading to hospitalization.
The causes which can result in someone perpetrating intimate partner violence are very complicated. This is often a very tricky situation to work through, especially if the couple in question are co-habiting, co-own shared property and/or have children. A closely woven social group can ironically also make things harder. It’s too easy for people unacquainted with IPV to say from the sidelines Why don’t you just leave them? If only it were that simple.
Leaving a relationship with a partner who is abusive can take a long time, and much of that might be preparing for the day (often in secret) when you leave. Working with a therapist, someone in a situation such as this has the opportunity to work through their doubts, the (often) conflicted feelings towards their abusive partner. It can be exhausting and unrewarding work, but it can also provide clarity.
I want what’s best for my clients, however I’m also realistic about the nature of relationships and how people can be entwined in complicated ways. It’s not easy to leave someone you love, even if they routinely hurt you. This sort of work is delicate and requires patience.
Intimate partner violence is real and it is in every community (represented on all socio-economic levels), and it’s terribly difficult on those affected. Therapy is one way someone who is in an abusive relationship can begin to change their situation.
If you are interested in learning more about my services, about me, or perhaps booking an appointment, please call me at 416-873-7828 or email me at info@downtowntherapy.ca for more information.
filed under: abuse• change• couples therapy• men• society• women
5 September 2023
September
September is a strange month. As a therapist, I associate it with a predictable increase in new and former clients reaching out for support. Why is that? A bunch of things, depending upon the situation of the individual, but to name just a few reasons: end of summer, beginning of school, vacation(s) in the rearview mirror, THE END OF THE YEAR IS COMING (if I were the months of October and November I would file a complaint), shorter days (and, subsequently, daylight). What’s that, your pulse is racing just reading this? I’m not surprised.
I myself find this to be a significant time for reflection (whether or not I’m looking for it), and this year is no different for yours truly.
As an author, it’s hard not to think about the progress on the next novel. I’ve just received some substantial feedback and I find myself wanting to balance between (putting on overalls) OKAY LET’S GET TO WORK!… and taking a little bit of time to stand further back from the book (if possible), so that I’m not simply following through on what I’ve already created, but asking myself essential questions about structure, story, themes.
Writing a book (or short story), one can sometimes fixate a little too much on what the original idea was — that thing which struck your passion and inspired you to sit down and start the project in the first place — and in doing so run the risk of missing how the larger form might change to convenience the parts which require changing within it. It’s like getting the inspiration for a mansion on a hill only to discover, the more you think about what it is you’re aiming for that, actually, a bungalow near a pond is actually a closer realization of your original idea. This can especially happen if you’ve put in a whole pile of work already. Your insecurities begin to howl, and suddenly the idea of changing direction is giving you heart palpitations. No! No! I have to finish it soon, I want to move on to the next project! I don’t want to work on this forever! As with psychotherapy, there are no easy answers in this profession, and, similarly, much of the time it can boil down to “it depends.”
Welcome to September!
If you are interested in learning more about my services, about me, or perhaps booking an appointment, please call me at 416-873-7828 or email me at info@downtowntherapy.ca for more information.
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