29 May 2025
The Problem of Men
I title this The Problem of Men intentionally as it, yes, has to do with men and is intended for men (and those who love them). But it’s also about the idea of men and masculinity. I struggle to write this piece because it’s a difficult one to put into clear language that isn’t undone by poor explanation.
There’s never been a more important time for us to talk about men, the male identity (what we’re told it is, and what it can actually be), and the rise of what is generally referred to as toxic masculinity, or “the manosphere”. This isn’t a controversial statement, but, writing this as a cis het dude, it’s exhausting that we have to keep coming back to men. Men, men, men. The slightest benign cultural movements to decentralize men from the sole focus of attention, particularly toxic masculinity, are often met with a redoubling of grievance from certain quarters, with accusations of being anti-male or of wanting to erase men from the picture. We are well within such a grievance movement currently, which is primarily why I’m writing this.
Growing up, I was saturated with a particular type of male figure in popular culture: muscular, stoic, conventionally handsome, and unquestionably heterosexual (also: white! But that’s an article for another day). This was the leading man in nearly any movie or TV show, with the exception of comedies (god bless). They always knew how to fight, drink, were innately prodigious lovers and they never allowed their emotions to get the better of them unless being mistakenly abandoned in a jungle by their platoon, or if their girlfriend caught the assassin’s bullet that was meant for them.
It wasn’t until the early 90s that we had mainstream movies that came from a female/feminist perspective: Fried Green Tomatoes, Beaches, A League of Their Own and Thelma & Louise. While it might seem that society was getting tired of a strictly male-centric cultural universe, there was still pushback then, notably by male chauvinist provocateurs like Andrew Dice Clay. As we’re seeing today, there’s an urgency in traditionalist masculine culture (which tends to be homophobic and socially conservative), to assert its authority, not unlike an antibody at a perceived threat.
With the rise of social media and the fragmentation of the media environment where people are inclined to “do their own research” (ie go down research-free rabbit holes), combined with the social isolation of the pandemic lockdowns, we now have influencers like Andrew Tate, who makes Andrew Dice Clay seem comparatively tame (note: he wasn’t). And this is the crux of the frustration I mentioned earlier: for each step forward in the recognition of the rights and freedoms of women and especially members of the LGBTQ+ population there seems to be a disproportionately aggrieved effort by traditionalist masculine culture—be they politicians, celebrities or tech industrialists—to regain power…which doesn’t make any sense given cis het men in the West have enjoyed unparalleled attention and service since time immemorial. I’m reminded of the phrase “When you’re accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.”
I mentioned my trepidation at the beginning of this article, and I’d like to come back to this, because I’m writing this article for men. I’m sometimes asked what the gender balance is like in my practice. I’d currently gauge it at around 50% which might surprise some people. There’s a prevailing assumption that women are better at therapy, or that therapy is somehow an extension of femininity, but if there’s the sense that more women go to therapy than men (and anecdotally this still tends to be the case) I would estimate that much of it comes from social conditioning; women are generally more encouraged to share their feelings, to be emotionally vulnerable and to seek community, whereas culturally there is this stubborn stoicism that I mentioned earlier that men are often exposed to. The tendency toward a kind of rugged individualism. However, what’s happening now with manosphere influencers is a doubling-down on traditionalist masculine cultural tropes, using rhetoric that is conspiratorial and often misogynistic. Men, especially boys and young men, are being told that other people’s bodies should be under their control; that their role as men is to sexually dominate women, and that people who don’t conform to gender norms are unfit for basic rights.
The limited run series, Adolescence, did a very good job of portraying this (and raising the right sort of alarm bells).
If I can offer something of a suggestion for how we begin to get out of this mess, here are some ideas:
- Access to information. Our traditional broadcast and newspaper media organizations, most of whom receive subsidies from taxpayers, should do a better job of providing not only better access to accountable information (e.g. some countries offer free online newspaper subscriptions for kids who are in school), but educational supplements that aim to inform children and adults to stem ignorance.
- Socialization/community. Because the isolation of the lockdowns has contributed to social separation, there is a cohort of young people who have missed out on socialization. This is a tricky piece because, for example, rural settings can be harder to make this happen than sub/urban centres. However, whether these be through shared family activities, rec sports, or arts communities, there’s a greater chance in these environments for kids to be exposed to people, norms and perspectives different from what they are exposed to online in their bubbles.
- Parental curiosity. My heart goes out to parents, who have had to shoulder so much responsibility in the last five years of economic uncertainty and shifting work-from-home arrangements, but if I had one request it would be to pay attention to what your kids are watching. Ask them. Take interest, even if what you end up hearing is garbage; kids are smart and if they sense that you’re going to turn your nose up, they will just as easily withhold that information. It’s better to put sunlight on these things than for them to fester in isolation. If you come across some suspect material, rather than taking a top-down approach and forbidding it, engage with them about why they watch it, what it is they get out of it. Turn it into a discussion that offers corrective perspectives.
It is on all of us to encourage boys and younger men that masculinity isn’t a fixed object. It’s fluid, and has always been this way. It doesn’t need to be defined at a gym, in a club, on TikTok or by anyone else’s standard other than our own. We come in all shapes and sizes, colours and cultures; we can be soft and strong; we can lead and take initiative but we can also listen and learn from others.
If you are interested in learning more about my services, about me, or perhaps booking an appointment, please call me at 416-873-7828 or email me at info@downtowntherapy.ca for more information.
filed under: men• psychotherapy• socialization• society• strength• women
21 May 2025
Confrontation
I can’t say I would immediately trust anyone who said that they thrived in confrontation. For most people it’s the last thing they want. Many will go to great lengths to avoid confrontation, which can lead to its own problems.
People make mistakes, often innocently. Others make mistakes that might be termed “mistakes of neglect;” that they didn’t get around to x. The problem is that when x is a deliverable, and your company is on deadline, these mistakes often need to be addressed. By you.
Take a deep breath, because it’s not if but likely when we will be in a situation where we’ll have to roll up our sleeves and have a difficult conversation with our employee, or—perhaps more intimidatingly—our co-founder. How we do this can be called an art form. It’s easy to say what we don’t want: we don’t want to blow our top, we don’t want to make outsized accusations (an unfair portrayal), and I’m pretty sure we want to give them an opportunity to explain what it was they were (or weren’t) doing that led to the mistake.
Confrontation requires a steady hand. It requires us to both articulate our disappointment or frustration, while also self-regulating our emotions. And, as mentioned earlier, if we habitually avoid confrontation—to pretend that it didn’t happen, or that the neglect will simply self-correct—we risk a pile-up later on which may be even harder for us to address (or to self-regulate our frustration).
Business therapy can give you the space to unpack what’s going on with your confrontation avoidance, and to better understand what makes it tick. Perhaps it’s a combination of introversion and previously bad personal experiences that are informing your situation. Perhaps you were raised in a chaotic home environment where you ended up internalizing a message that keeping quiet was—in every sense of the word—safe. It’s also possible that a lot of what you’re feeling with respect to confronting someone is your subconscious projecting more onto the situation than what’s actually there.
There’s nothing better than facing our fears, though the road can be unpredictable (after all, it would be naïve to think that what we were feeling was entirely our creation; your employee or co-founder might have their own issues with confrontation—namely being told that they made a mistake—that can make the situation tempting to avoid). The great thing about Business Therapy is that if we can get you and your co-founder in the same room (virtual or real) and hash things out, then the two of you will be on the same road together, and that’s a much better way to go about it than having to navigate this on your own.
It’s not supposed to be easy. But there’s growth to be had in tackling these things!
If you are interested in learning more about my services, about me, or perhaps booking an appointment, please call me at 416-873-7828 or email me at info@downtowntherapy.ca for more information.
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