9 May 2019
Community
One of the ironies of living in a large city like Toronto is that it contains 3 million people and yet it can be hard to connect with others. Or just a special someone. Each morning we leave our homes and step onto streetcars and buses, or, for those lucky enough, to walk to work. And we are surrounded by our neighbours, our fellow city-dwellers. And yet we keep to ourselves, we shut ourselves off from the outside world.
Another, arguably greater, irony is that we end up feeling alone.
It isn’t until one day we decide to reach out, to attempt to connect, that we take a chance on something. What that something is we don’t really know for sure. For those of us who come from smaller towns, maybe it’s an attempt to make bonds with those we frequently see but don’t strictly know personally — the barista at the coffee shop, a bank teller, the crossing guard. We try to open up a discussion, perhaps only domestic inquiries. And if there is success — a connection is reached — then we have someone around us who knows us, at least a little. We have imparted a part of ourselves (and they to us) onto them.
My experience of this is on those days where I’m able to go down to a local park and take part in a game of pick up soccer. We are, for all intents and purposes, strangers to one another, and yet we share in common a love of a sport. We may disagree on certain aspects of life or culture, or politics, but when we see each other each Sunday afternoon, we smile at the sight of a familiar face. There is a trust here, the sort you don’t necessarily experience on your commute to the office each morning during the workweek. Here, instead, the point is communication, if only through the rules of sport. Is this not also a form of intimacy? A willingness to put aside our titles and social classes, and to simply be citizens amongst each other?
This is community.
If you are interested in learning more about my services, about me, or perhaps booking an appointment, please call me at 416-873-7828 or email me at info@downtowntherapy.ca for more information.
filed under: friendships• socialization• society• sport
31 March 2019
What we say to ourselves
I was at a seminar recently where the focus of the discussion was on what we therapists call the “intra-relational” relationship. What does that mean, exactly? So, you may have heard the term “inter-relational,” which describes the state of a relationship between two or more people in a given moment? What is meant by “intra-relational” is the state of the relationship between someone and themself.
Does that sound odd?
We all have a relationship with ourselves, whether we are conscious of it or not. When times are good and we are feeling positive about our place in the world, we are likely to literally or figuratively pat ourselves on the back. When times are not so good, we might find ourselves listening to an accusatory inner voice, one that is impatient with our mistakes or lack of success.
Our relationship with ourselves is vitally important, and is influenced on a day-to-day basis by our external relationships: with workmates, family, friends, the world around us. External relationships may also extend symbolically to things such as alcohol, diet, exercise, sex, and work ethic. At the end of the day our intra-relational relationship feeds from these external experiences.
Engaging with the client’s relationship with themself in the therapeutic space is a very tricky and delicate task, but when successful it gets to the heart of how we speak to ourselves privately. It isn’t often that our intra-relational self is seen or heard, and there is no simple trick for drawing this out. It happens when it happens — sometimes via a personal catalyst, other times the result of a random moment of connection between therapist and client.
If you are interested in learning more about my services, about me, or perhaps booking an appointment, please call me at 416-873-7828 or email me at info@downtowntherapy.ca for more information.
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