31 March 2019

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What we say to ourselves

I was at a seminar recently where the focus of the discussion was on what we therapists call the “intra-relational” relationship. What does that mean, exactly? So, you may have heard the term “inter-relational,” which describes the state of a relationship between two or more people in a given moment? What is meant by “intra-relational” is the state of the relationship between someone and themself.

Does that sound odd?

We all have a relationship with ourselves, whether we are conscious of it or not. When times are good and we are feeling positive about our place in the world, we are likely to literally or figuratively pat ourselves on the back. When times are not so good, we might find ourselves listening to an accusatory inner voice, one that is impatient with our mistakes or lack of success.

Our relationship with ourselves is vitally important, and is influenced on a day-to-day basis by our external relationships: with workmates, family, friends, the world around us. External relationships may also extend symbolically to things such as alcohol, diet, exercise, sex, and work ethic. At the end of the day our intra-relational relationship feeds from these external experiences.

Engaging with the client’s relationship with themself in the therapeutic space is a very tricky and delicate task, but when successful it gets to the heart of how we speak to ourselves privately. It isn’t often that our intra-relational self is seen or heard, and there is no simple trick for drawing this out. It happens when it happens — sometimes via a personal catalyst, other times the result of a random moment of connection between therapist and client.