6 November 2023

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Intimate Partner Violence

I wish I could tell you that the vast majority of people who seek help through a psychotherapist do so because of the unresolved past; capital-T and small-t traumas from childhood, parental conflicts, opportunities lost or thwarted which keep us up at night. And there are certainly clients who walk into my office who may not know exactly what it is that’s going on, which might very well be a blurry combination of past and present conflicts which require clarity. But there are also those whose problems are right in front of them, every day. And in this category, one of the more serious life situations is one which includes intimate partner violence (IPV).

Intimate partner violence involves being in a relationship — whether or not you’re married, or live together — with someone whose behaviour toward you is abusive. Abuse, in this context, is the removal of power from one person by another. All the time? Not necessarily, no, but the effect is debilitating. This can take psychological and emotional forms (coercion, gaslighting), including financial (secretly changing whose name a bank account is in) but, as the “V” implies, the end result can be physical abuse. And the results can be extreme: feeling trapped in one’s own home, fearing physical injury leading to hospitalization.

The causes which can result in someone perpetrating intimate partner violence are very complicated. This is often a very tricky situation to work through, especially if the couple in question are co-habiting, co-own shared property and/or have children. A closely woven social group can ironically also make things harder. It’s too easy for people unacquainted with IPV to say from the sidelines Why don’t you just leave them? If only it were that simple.

Leaving a relationship with a partner who is abusive can take a long time, and much of that might be preparing for the day (often in secret) when you leave. Working with a therapist, someone in a situation such as this has the opportunity to work through their doubts, the (often) conflicted feelings towards their abusive partner. It can be exhausting and unrewarding work, but it can also provide clarity.

I want what’s best for my clients, however I’m also realistic about the nature of relationships and how people can be entwined in complicated ways. It’s not easy to leave someone you love, even if they routinely hurt you. This sort of work is delicate and requires patience.

Intimate partner violence is real and it is in every community (represented on all socio-economic levels), and it’s terribly difficult on those affected. Therapy is one way someone who is in an abusive relationship can begin to change their situation.