12 December 2012
Do People Ever Truly Change?
I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day. We had both worked for a rather chaotic company years earlier. The so-called “survivors” met for dinner once a year to catch-up and share stories of our time in that company. He asked why I couldn’t attend the most recent dinner. I guessed that, because I’d changed my email address a while back, the invitations were being sent to an account that was no longer in service.
When I asked him how it went, he shrugged and smiled. He said: “Oh, you know, (x) is still high-strung. (y) is still gloomy. (z) still acts like everyone’s Mom.”
“People don’t change.” he said, shaking his head. It felt like a definitive statement for him.
We parted ways and his words echoed with me. After all, what’s my purpose as a therapist if that statement were true? I believe in change: I’ve experienced it myself and have seen it successfully expressed in the progress of my clients.
I realized there were two misconceptions in my friend’s statement. First, the people he used as examples of “not changing” were arguably people who, as far as I knew, hadn’t sought change to begin with. To this end, what if they didn’t have a problem with their behaviour to begin with?
Secondly, weighing more largely, what do we mean when we talk about change? When you get to a certain age, you’ve got a lot of “wiring” in place. If you come into my office as a 32 year-old bartender who was raised on a milk farm, I’m pretty sure you are going to walk out the same way. That said, we can still be the people we are and still address aspects of ourselves which are causing problems, which somehow don’t seem to “fit” us anymore.
It reminds me of when I quit smoking: would I be the same Matt Cahill on the other end of the process as I was going into it? The short answer is, yes, I was the same Matt Cahill – just a version of Matt Cahill who had learned to eliminate the need for cigarettes.
On a more interpersonal level, it works the same for people who, going into therapy, wonder if they are going to lose more than they gain: is the therapist going to make me feel bad about my temper tantrums? Force me to be artificially “happy” when I’m feeling depressed? No.
You can change without losing you. If anything, the person who undergoes therapy will come out of it a lot more knowledgeable about themselves than when they came in. You will have a better sense of yourself and, depending upon your reason for seeing a therapist, feel more in control of your life.
If you are interested in learning more about my services, about me, or perhaps booking an appointment, please call me at 416-873-7828 or email me at info@downtowntherapy.ca for more information.
filed under: change• friendships• general info• self
31 October 2012
How Long Does Therapy Take?
When does it end?
It’s a good question, and there are a few reasons why this is raised:
• If you’ve never been in therapy before (i.e. you are starting from scratch and overwhelmed by all of the information you discover) it may be a source of comfort to look for structure; to see if there is a beginning, middle, and end to the process.
• Some modes of therapy advertise a pre-set number of sessions. After, say, nine sessions, they will isolate your issue and you will have been handed rational strategies for dealing with it. A problem with this approach is: what if that issue isn’t “it”? What if there’s more to it than the “it” someone told you you suffered from? Not least, what if you are suffering from something that doesn’t lend itself to rational strategies (grief for the loss of a loved one, for example)?
• You may think that seeing a therapist creates an addiction or crutch which you will not be able to shake, thus endangering your independence.
Whether you are experienced in therapy or not, not many people look forward to the unknown. If you are concerned about “how many sessions”, then this is a conversation you should have with your therapist at the outset (along with standard questions about rates, cancellation fees, and directions to their office).
I can’t tell you from the outset how many sessions you and I will have. It would be foolish of me to do so because each individual is different and each individual has a unique spectrum of concerns they may wish to discuss. However, I do make it clear to my clients that they are in charge of stopping and starting therapy – what good would this process be if that choice were taken away from you?
If you want to see a therapist but are scared of how long it may take, why not find a therapist you think you’d like to see and book an initial session, with no commitment for a follow-up?
Concerned about a therapist’s qualifications? Perhaps you should ask whether they belong to a professional association, such as CAPT, which ensures that its members practice within clear, established ethical guidelines (among which, respectful termination of therapy would fall within).
Remember: if it’s important to you, then it deserves to be raised. If a prospective therapist can’t answer your questions to your satisfaction then it’s probably best that you consider someone else.
If you are interested in learning more about my services, about me, or perhaps booking an appointment, please call me at 416-873-7828 or email me at info@downtowntherapy.ca for more information.
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