25 January 2013
My Friend Needs A Therapist – Will You Contact Them?
Short answer: I can’t.
Longer answer: this question has been asked many times and in various forms (exchange “friend” for “wife”, “husband”, “child”), and each time I’ve been unable to accommodate the request. Why? Part of seeing a therapist is the idea of will and choice – the will to investigate something which we feel is bothering us, and the choice of whom to see for this service. If I were to go ahead and contact someone at the behest of a friend or relative, I would be imposing myself u
pon that choice and that will (symbolically at least).
Even if someone I contacted ended up never-minding my intrusion (and their friend’s intervention) and became a regular client, that initial lack of choice and will would probably linger in the therapeutic space. It could prove disruptive to the extreme, especially as they become more and more attuned to their situation.
So, no, sadly I cannot contact your friend, no matter how much they may need to talk to someone. That person needs to take the first step, because it’s a very important one.
If you are interested in learning more about my services, about me, or perhaps booking an appointment, please call me at 416-873-7828 or email me at info@downtowntherapy.ca for more information.
filed under: choice• friendships• general info• strength
12 December 2012
Do People Ever Truly Change?
I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day. We had both worked for a rather chaotic company years earlier. The so-called “survivors” met for dinner once a year to catch-up and share stories of our time in that company. He asked why I couldn’t attend the most recent dinner. I guessed that, because I’d changed my email address a while back, the invitations were being sent to an account that was no longer in service.
When I asked him how it went, he shrugged and smiled. He said: “Oh, you know, (x) is still high-strung. (y) is still gloomy. (z) still acts like everyone’s Mom.”
“People don’t change.” he said, shaking his head. It felt like a definitive statement for him.
We parted ways and his words echoed with me. After all, what’s my purpose as a therapist if that statement were true? I believe in change: I’ve experienced it myself and have seen it successfully expressed in the progress of my clients.
I realized there were two misconceptions in my friend’s statement. First, the people he used as examples of “not changing” were arguably people who, as far as I knew, hadn’t sought change to begin with. To this end, what if they didn’t have a problem with their behaviour to begin with?
Secondly, weighing more largely, what do we mean when we talk about change? When you get to a certain age, you’ve got a lot of “wiring” in place. If you come into my office as a 32 year-old bartender who was raised on a milk farm, I’m pretty sure you are going to walk out the same way. That said, we can still be the people we are and still address aspects of ourselves which are causing problems, which somehow don’t seem to “fit” us anymore.
It reminds me of when I quit smoking: would I be the same Matt Cahill on the other end of the process as I was going into it? The short answer is, yes, I was the same Matt Cahill – just a version of Matt Cahill who had learned to eliminate the need for cigarettes.
On a more interpersonal level, it works the same for people who, going into therapy, wonder if they are going to lose more than they gain: is the therapist going to make me feel bad about my temper tantrums? Force me to be artificially “happy” when I’m feeling depressed? No.
You can change without losing you. If anything, the person who undergoes therapy will come out of it a lot more knowledgeable about themselves than when they came in. You will have a better sense of yourself and, depending upon your reason for seeing a therapist, feel more in control of your life.
If you are interested in learning more about my services, about me, or perhaps booking an appointment, please call me at 416-873-7828 or email me at info@downtowntherapy.ca for more information.
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