10 September 2013
Stoic Men, Weak Men
A common issue many men face is that they often have few examples in their life of being vulnerable – and having that be ok (i.e. not criticized). By vulnerable, I mean sticking your neck out and opening yourself up emotionally to others, even if that means taking a risk of embarrassment or having what you share not accepted as readily as you would like. Risk. But not the sort of risk that men are traditionally expected to aspire to (you know, the testosterone-hued kinds we read about in magazines or see in films: climbing treacherous mountains, bare knuckle fighting in a basement). Vulnerability is a different sort of risk-taking. It means extending yourself outward, sometimes a little beyond your day-to-day comfort level.
Many men find themselves fighting against a dichotomy: the self-sufficient, emotionally stoic man vs. the weak, needy child. What kind of a choice is that? Sheesh. And yet, this perspective is prevalent and infused in male children from an early age in many cultures. A lot of men would rather hold their sorrow, their love, their excitement inside – force it into hiding, shamefully – rather than risk having these vulnerable emotions exposed. To be seen as somehow less capable, less manly.
It’s kind of sad, because there are a great deal of men out there, from all walks of life, who live emotionally withheld lives because they are afraid of being perceived as weaker than they feel they need to appear. I don’t think it’s extreme to speculate that there are men out there who would contemplate suicide should their true feelings – those so-called weaknesses – be exposed.
Let’s try to encourage people – men and women alike – to think and feel openly, particularly those who are, shall we say, out of practice doing so, without scorn. I think that’s a good first step.
If you are interested in learning more about my services, about me, or perhaps booking an appointment, please call me at 416-873-7828 or email me at info@downtowntherapy.ca for more information.
filed under: men• resilience• society• women
16 August 2013
Is Couples Therapy Just A Sign Of The End Of A Relationship?
I would be lying if years ago, upon hearing that a couple were considering relationship counselling, I didn’t hear a voice in the back of my head cry out: “Dead man walking!”. In other words, it seemed that couples therapy was the beginning of the end.
This is a bit of fatalism which is not helped by a dearth of positive examples in TV and film. North American society has lived under an implicit rule that admitting you need help is a sign of an underlying weakness of character. The reality is that, increasingly, couples are realizing that talking openly about their differences with a qualified therapist is in fact a marvellous way to discharge tension in the relationship.
When we enter a serious relationship, we bring our own ideas with us; ideas about money, sexual intimacy, communication, privacy. Many of these ideas are influenced by previous relationships. And sometimes, while individually each partner’s influences may be sound, when merged there can be dissonance.
Seeing a therapist as a couple is a way to put everything on the table without the responsibility of one party taking on the dreaded role of Argument Sheriff. A qualified therapist will be careful not to allow any one party to overshadow the needs of the other.
On this note, I will direct you to an article about couples who decide to see a therapist prior to the birth of their first child.
If you are interested in learning more about my services, about me, or perhaps booking an appointment, please call me at 416-873-7828 or email me at info@downtowntherapy.ca for more information.
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