15 August 2018
The Problem With “It’s Okay To Ask For Help”
I was considering the number of high-profile suicides over the last year or so: Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain, Chris Cornell, and Margot Kidder. The list doesn’t end, really, especially when I consider the new documentary on designer Alexander McQueen. Most recently there is the story of the Alaska Airlines ground crew member, Richard Russell. Inevitably, particularly on social media, I will come across people — well-intentioned folks — sharing the same sentiment: it’s okay to ask for help. It’s assumed this is aimed at those who might also be, in the minds of these well-wishers, harbouring their own suicidal thoughts.
As much as I respect where the sentiment comes from, it’s growing into an irritating refrain, along the lines of the “thoughts and prayers” meme attached to school shootings: a hollow epitaph. Why? The answer is complex, but hey, so is life, but I’ll give it a try…
Let’s start with suicidal ideation. There are so many different reasons why someone might contemplate taking their life. From having an irreversible and debilitating medical condition to processing the ghosts of trauma and its resulting depression, suicidal ideation comes upon some people as an option — not a final solution, but one option out of potentially many. I respect the right of someone who wants the freedom to contemplate suicide. I do not treat suicidal ideation in and of itself as a fire that needs to be put out, which I will admit may not be in line with mainstream “suicide prevention” practices. In extreme cases, particularly where people with infrequent suicidal ideation are institutionalized against their wishes, treating suicidality like a fire can have negative results: creating more shame, more confusion, and, ironically, a sense of helplessness where before the person in question might have felt they at least had agency to contemplate suicide but never act upon it. I don’t think suicidality should be met with what often must feel like punishment (especially when I consider that suicidal ideation often comes from some sort of physical or psychic injury already).
Let’s move more generally to mental health issues. The most common symptoms clients present in my practice are depression and anxiety. There are so many ways these two things might manifest. Let’s use a fictitious example:
Deb admits that she was raised to be a “proper young woman.” This meant staying at home during her mid-to-late teens when her friends were going to house parties. A byproduct of this was that she had few opportunities to date. Another byproduct of this, due to the religious background she was brought up in, was the belief that sexuality was synonymous with carelessness. As an adult, many years later, she struggles with relationships, particularly romantic. She finds herself choosing partners who are self-involved and cold to her needs. This latter part — having needs, particularly emotional and sexual — is a radioactive no-go zone. Whenever she feels she should advocate for herself, her head spins with self-flagellating thoughts. She has trouble sleeping as a result, and sometimes punishes herself by oscillating between starving herself or eating to an unhealthy degree. She wakes up many mornings and her first thought is how worthless she is. No direction feels like a good direction, and so she often feels paralyzed.
In this example, it wouldn’t be surprising to learn that Deb has from time to time considered suicide. Let’s now see how it’s okay to ask for help might not work…
Asking for help, first off, puts the burden on the afflicted. It’s like telling someone who was struck by a cyclist while crossing the road, “It’s okay to call an ambulance.” In Deb’s situation, it wouldn’t be surprising when we consider the above synopsis, that talking about her needs might be a concept that sets off intense discomfort.
Why doesn’t she talk to a friend? Well, I can tell you that even the best of friends can say or do things that may unintentionally injure someone looking for help. Have you ever sat down with a friend in order to share something cool that happened to you only for them to monopolize the conversation so that you don’t get to talk about what it was you got together about in the first place? Now, imagine that situation but regarding something terribly personal.
Why doesn’t she talk to a therapist then? As a therapist, I should be self-interested here, but even faced with this question I can understand someone in Deb’s situation having reservations about speaking about such a deeply personal issue with a complete stranger. For the It’s okay to ask for help crowd, if you’ve never struggled with mental health issues you have no clue how not okay it is to tease out one’s darkest issues. Also, not every interaction with a mental health professional is guaranteed to be beneficial, and one bad experience, whether by accident or carelessness on behalf of the provider, can scare someone like Deb away for years before she tries again. Oh, and then there’s the cost. Therapy isn’t cheap, so if Deb isn’t financially comfortable, this would be one more barrier for her.
One last point I’ll make on the problem with it’s okay to ask for help is that the act of asking for help is not a finish line. People can and do spend months and years in therapy; sometimes progress is frustratingly slow, and sorting out our demons can be a potentially retraumatizing experience. In other words, blithely asking someone to ask for help is like asking them to do hard labour.
Some suggestions:
See a friend with a problem? Reach out, gently. Keep it open-ended, and stay inquisitive and non-judgemental — Dr. Phil is a jerk, so forget everything you’ve ever seen on TV about the effectiveness of interventions. Don’t pressure your friend or hyper-focus on goals. And if they brush you off abruptly don’t get offended — an unfortunate byproduct of depression and anxiety (particularly if its weighted by chronic shame) can be a reflexive, sometimes defensive way of responding to anyone who might find out the truth of their struggle. No one said this was easy. It isn’t for them, so why should it be for you?
Repeat after me: Life is complex, people are complex, and mental health is a complex reaction to a complex world.
If you are interested in learning more about my services, about me, or perhaps booking an appointment, please call me at 416-873-7828 or email me at info@downtowntherapy.ca for more information.
filed under: anxiety• artists on depression• death• depression• grief• matt cahill• pain• psychotherapy• self• socialization• society• strength• stress
15 February 2018
Players, Captains, and Coaches
When you’re working for a company and in the midst of a project, it can be difficult to find your place or your role, despite already having a title (graphic designer, product manager). You see yourself among others, sometimes angling against their expectations, other times against your own. We all (literally) come from different backgrounds, families, schools, cultures, and no matter that we achieved a particular grade or honour when we come into the working world — particularly onto a career path that is of our choosing — those accomplishments can seem very far away (or somehow no longer relevant), particularly when we are in the midst of a performance-oriented environment.
What is your place here?
I like to use an analogy using a sports team. On a team you have players, captains, and coaches. It might seem immediately like a hierarchy, and yet appearances are deceiving.
Players: we gush for Players, the good ones at least. The work of Players is the first to be seen; they are on the ground and on full display, taking the orders of the Coach (via the Captain) and running with it. Success is ultimately measured in how well Players are organized, how well they work with one another, and the recognition and development of their skill. Within a company they are the ultimate manifestation of the company’s mandate.
Captains: (note: I realize this role doesn’t apply to all sports, but it certainly applies to hockey, soccer, rugby, and basketball) Captains have it hard: they are Players but held to a higher standard, but they aren’t Coaches; they need to be mindful of the context for whatever direction they have to impart to Players. Captains are rarely architects. While Captains might have some say in which Players stay and who go, they are saddled with supervising the performance of the team, and the results often sit squarely on their shoulders.
Coaches: coaches are seen but largely not heard. While they are often the architects of success (or failure) their efforts are distributed widely (and thus obscured) through Players (often disseminated via the Captain). Coaches are on the sidelines, not because they necessarily want to be but because — if they are wise — they will outsource and delegate tasks to those who have the specialties to deliver while they focus on the big picture: the next campaign, the next project, the next paradigm.
We might compare Players with Staff, Captains with Management, and Coaches with Owners (or “C-Suite”). Each level is vitally important and success depends upon the whole, working together, and communicating effectively.
What’s the point of this analogy? Often we can feel lost in our workplace, and — whether big or small — sometimes our workplace doesn’t make it easy to find a point of reference in order for us to orient ourselves in lieu of direction. Sometimes positions (particularly managerial) are given as promotions without a clear understanding of what those roles entail.
As well as with individuals and couples working through mental and emotional health issues, I am also happy to work with business leaders and management in order to create a more cohesive perspective on hard-to-solve issues in the workplace.
If you are interested in learning more about my services, about me, or perhaps booking an appointment, please call me at 416-873-7828 or email me at info@downtowntherapy.ca for more information.
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