16 July 2025
Intersubjectivity and Therapy
I mention intersubjectivity on this website when speaking about my approach (or at least part of), however I find that in conversation, either with clients or non-clients, I don’t really get into it much. That’s because intersubjectivity is nuanced, making it easier for me to not wanting to get into the weeds, rather than attempting to explain it and risking that I’m talking about something way more abstract. It’s not unlike talking about playing the guitar, and abruptly switching into music theory.
Intersubjectivity is about the meaning-making that happens from social, or self-with-other, interaction. As a baseline, we know ourselves, even if the deeper/darker/further reaches of ourselves are not exactly well-explored or comfortably woven in with the rest of us. And then there’s everybody else around us: our mother, the contractor, our friends and acquaintances, lovers and strangers. Each with their own level of self-knowing. Key to intersubjectivity is that on a basic level we are constantly influencing each other, often through subtle, non-verbal messaging; messaging that can be communicated either intentionally or less-than consciously. And then, on top of that, there’s how we receive those messages, how we interpret them and how they make us feel; how those emergent feelings might be less-than-consciously influenced by internal background processes such as anxiety or the remnants of traumas big and small.
Every one of us, in our social interactions, is sending messages that are interpreted, while in parallel we interpret the messaging of others. And we can draw meaning from those messages, meaning that can often be coloured by our subconscious thoughts and feelings. An example: imagine a domestic gathering–a small party in someone’s apartment. In one room a handful of guests have gathered, and are laughing at something shared between them. In this example, someone walks into the room while the laughter is taking place. If someone who has low self-esteem or has been previously bullied walks into that room, they might interpret the message (the small gathering of people laughing) as follows: they’re laughing at me, so I should disappear. And yet someone different might walk into the same room under the same circumstances and interpret the message as: hey, let’s see what they’re talking about that’s so funny.
Even in the therapeutic space we might find ourselves extracting thoughts, feelings, or even judgements from the therapist sitting across from us. It might be the way they said a word. It might be the words themselves. It might be that they chose to cross their legs while we were in the middle of talking. Those of us who are more hypervigilant might internally weigh the meaning of those things, even if the therapist was simply being themselves in the moment. As a relational psychotherapist, and someone trained with intersubjectivity theory, I would be tempted to make mention of a shift in the client if I saw that perhaps something I said or did had caused a stir. The point of this, I should mention, is not for the therapist to come across as a smarty pants with Jedi powers; rather, the point is for opportunities of self-with-other repair. It’s not just having something we’re doing noticed by our therapist, it’s the validation of something deeper, and the further exploration of “what’s up with that?” with someone we can trust. That’s where the repair can begin to happen.
Bonus feature: Intersubjectivity also dovetails with the idea that we can’t take responsibility for what other people think or feel. Yes, we can and should take responsibility for our actions and words, of course, but, to use another example, if the barista at the café looks like they’re in a bad mood one morning, it’s probably not because we didn’t wish them an extra-happy “good morning” and yet some of us might go there, might feel that they contributed to this. Unless, on a basic level, we understand that we can’t take responsibility for what other people are doing or saying, or thinking, then it becomes easier for us to feel complicit in or weighed down by the bad things we notice around us.
If you are interested in learning more about my services, about me, or perhaps booking an appointment, please call me at 416-873-7828 or email me at info@downtowntherapy.ca for more information.
filed under: anxiety• change• complexity• general info• intersubjectivity• modality• psychotherapy• PTSD• resilience• self• society
27 June 2025
Media: Guardian Interview
I was grateful to be one of several people journalist Ioan Marc Jones spoke with, for his piercing and vulnerable first-person essay for the The Guardian, “I was one of those men who couldn’t stop talking. Here’s how I learned to shut up and listen.”
Along with notables such as Cal Newport, Weirong Li and Kate Murphy, Jones writes about his struggle to not turn each conversation towards himself, something many people, not only men (but largely so), struggle with. It’s a great read and I hope you find some insights in it.
If you are interested in learning more about my services, about me, or perhaps booking an appointment, please call me at 416-873-7828 or email me at info@downtowntherapy.ca for more information.
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